tonight...

all i want to do is cry, just curl up and let the tears fall down. just open those closed doors of my heart and let the rain pour on down. all i want is someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone outside of the situation, yet inside the situation, someone with the answers, someone just to listen, someone just to be there.

i didnt want to go back to my dorm, back to a roommate and the rowdiness of a college floor, i didnt want to go to any of my friends here, even though i know with all my heart mind and soul that they would have been there for me, i didnt want to call anyone from home, even though i know they would have listened. it just didnt feel right.

so instead, i wandered....and wandered...and wandered. sure i only had on a thin jacket and the snow had soaked through my socks and my hands were numb with cold, i didnt want to be anywhere...so i wandered.

and where, you may wonder, did i wander too? i wanderd into the chaple. ah, the chapel. i loved the chapel, it was exactly where i needed to be with exactly who i needed to be. and thats where i let go of everything-tears pains, hopes, love-just let it go straight to the One listening up above, yet right there beside me.

thank you Lord for listening to me. thank you for letting me let go of everything. thank you for life. for love. for freindships. for forgiveness.

oh forgiveness....augh forgiveness. forgiveness. my heart hurts. my heart is crying. my heart is bleeding. my heart need forgivness. my heart needs you Lord.

well...eventually i wandered back to my room...and here i am. wanting to be in a meditative mood, yet having my roomie talking to me and the tv blaring. dear God, please forgive me. but here i am....here i am.

and, you may ask, did my wandering get me anywhere? honsetly, i dont know. i know i got things off my chest for the moment, and i know that God is listening....but i dont know what to do about this. and after this is over everything else that is waiting in the background. what do i do? what i was taugh was right, what i want to be right, or what i think is right? whats the right answer? i dont know. no one knows. except for God Himself.

well im still jsut as lost and confused, but i know that God is walking beside me....his footsteps there beside mine in that nasty slushy shitty snow...and when they arent there, i know he is carring me. thank you Lord.

but as i was wandering back to my dorm....a thought came to my mind, a prayer to be exact. and it seems to fit perfectly with everything...
Lord,
Grant me the serinity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.


amen. amen. amen. so be it. so be it. so be it.

and on top of this, I found out tonight that i am going to be on team for Korinioa! im so excited, yet worried about this. but this like everything else, i must simple place in God's hands.

and a quote from the chocolate that katie gave me tonight, and fit perfectly with everything: Don't Think About it so Much
hum, but i dont think thats the exact the answer. i musnt worry about it i must place it in God's hands.

He's got the whole world in His hands.

He does.

Okay, well thanks for letting me get this all out. I love you all. Im sorry if this may have been more "God-ish" than what you mayhanted to listen to, but i really do appreciate listening and just trying to understand. please, i didnt write this trying to make anyone beleive or "change" their beliefs....it was just exactly waht was going through my mind.
thank you.

good night.
may God Bless.

I love you.